I’ll spare you the trauma of showing any photos of said toilets encountered.  But feel free to read on for the gory details.  I’m all too happy to provide them so you can get as clear a picture as possible of the trauma I go through when forced to use a public restroom/bathroom.

This is why, when I’m out in public, I will “hold it” as long as humanly possible—and even beyond human possibility when I have to go to the bathroom!  My bladder would have to be on the very verge of bursting into flames before I even consider giving a public restroom a fleeting thought.

I loathe using public bathrooms, toilets, restrooms, loos, ladies rooms, the facilities, whatever you want to call them.  Is there any wonder why?

I usually only use them if there’s a major emergency where I have no other choice—and then there’s a major production involved:

• I push the door open with my foot, shoulder, or back—but if there’s a handle involved then I have to use an elbow of some sort.  I mean, gross—who wants to touch the door handle?!

• Upon entering, I first have thoughts of all the other souls who have passed through this space before me touching God knows what with their hands that have been God knows where—considering 50% of the population doesn’t believe in hand-washing from my observations.

• I scour the room for toilet seat covers—if there are none, oh the bloody agony as my skin crawls!

• I get the “eenie, meenie, miney, moe” song involved in the choosing of a stall door.

• Then I finally kick the “moe” door open with my foot and, OH MY—WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WHO USE THE PUBLIC TOILETS AND WHAT DO YOUR TOILETS LOOK LIKE AT HOME FOR CRYING OUT LOUD??!!!!

First of all, HOW IN THE DICKENS is anyone even missing the INSIDE of the toilet stool altogether??!!!  From whence do you come from anyway?  Do you not SEE how big the hole is to begin with?!  I mean, you have a lot of space to work with, people!  Even during the times I decide to actually bend my knees to halfway stand to keep from touching the rim while using the facilities, I have NEVER missed the inside of a toilet.  What whaaat?!!  Goodness gracious alive!

I, obviously, have a level of great talent that some of you cannot seem to master even with training at ‘Toilet University’—and I’m darn proud of my talent!  By jove, how does the entire toilet rim from front to back on both sides have tinkles all the way around it?!  Anyone?  Hmmmmm?!

Now as you might have guessed, I was not looking forward to doing the “eenie, meenie, miney, moe” song again.  (That song is starting not to be quite as fun to sing as it used to be.)  And before I blasted through door number two, I didn’t think it could get any worse.  How wrong I was, indeed.

How is that much toilet paper inside the toilet stool in the first place?  If you have to use that much toilet paper at least be smart about it and flush as you go along, people.  Wipe a few times, flush, wipe, flush—be smart about it.  Come on!  A toilet stool is only going to flush a certain poundage of toilet tissue all at once.  Gee willickers!  Thanks for the gross-looking clogging inside a stool that is now unusable!  And only Lord knows what’s underneath all that toilet paper!

Boy, as you might have guessed, I couldn’t wait to see what Door #3 had in store for me.  Well, well, well.  Low and behold.  Ewww!  Come on now!  Seriously?  FLUSH, people!  I don’t want to see ANY of your business that hailed from your body ever in life!!  ARE WE CLEAR?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The “eenie, meenie, miney, moe” song is getting pretty old at this point—but when I FINALLY DO find the most decent toilet to use (if you can even call it that), of course, it’s lacking a door lock to keep the bloody door from swinging open AND lacking a door hook for my coat, purse, or ANY OTHER FREAKING THING I’D LIKE TO PUT DOWN SO I CAN ACTUALLY USE THE FACILITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Now my only options are to:

• just throw my things on the disgusting floor itself or
• figure out a way to hold my things while trying not to touch the rim of the toilet seat AND holding the door closed all at the same time!!!

As you might have guessed, I opt for the latter as I refuse to put my things on a cruddy floor.

Does anyone out there feel my misery yet???!!!  DO YOU ALL HAVE A CLEAR PICTURE OF HOW MY BODY IS POSITIONED AT THIS POINT just to use a public restroom?????  Is there ANY wonder I avoid them like the plague?!!

Oh, oh, oh, guys, guess what??!!!  Here’s the best part.  Now that my entire body is in this awkward position using the bathroom while trying not to touch the rim, while holding all my things, AND trying to keep a miserable door shut—low and behold—THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER IN THE STALL!!!  Can life get any more joyful for me at this point?!

So thank you to all the people of the world who seem to take great pride in making my life miserable any time I have no choice but to enter a public restroom.

Am I asking too much of a public facility?

So, if you have nothing else to do today, I strongly suggest carrying around your own personal door lock, door hook, and handwipes—I mean, who wants the cooties?  Or do yourself a favor and do everything in your power to avoid a public restroom.

Take-Away Life Lesson:  Clearly you need to haul around your own personal toddler trainer toilet seat every time you leave the house.  It’s much more convenient and much cleaner, safer, and less traumatic than what you’ll have to face when entering a public bathroom.